Blog
Sunday, February 11, 2007
-12:55 PM
i felt really down yesterday to the point i almost broke down on the way home after school. i had to go back cos i had quite some accumulated maths hw which the teacher was really getting pissed with me at for not handing in. well, quite a few other classmates were supposed to go to but i was the only one who turned up. got the teacher to teach me on the latest topic i missed cos of badminton competition. but it turned out my brain was functioning really slowly yesterday and i took 2 hrs to almost complete an exercise. partially because i felt pressurized by the teacher's one-to-one attention. and i lacked the confidence. so i had the teacher calling me "slow" throughout the lessson. which really discouraged me further. and then her 4 year old son came around. he wanted to go home and kept asking his mum "why so slow?". she would simply reply the same, "cos this jiejie is very slow." and then her son was playing around with some pencil or something and wanted to playfully hit something, i can't remember. his mum told him, "don't beat, beat jiejie..." this is so amusing. i felt like an object.
of course he didn't beat me. but i just felt the lowest of the lowest. and when i left the school i felt horribly stupid. retardedly stupid. stupidly stupid. i felt as if i shouldn't even be doing amaths. cos my stupid brain didn't fit it. all of a sudden i was depressed. i dont' know what hit me. i have been feeling so down these days but coupled with this humiliation was just...i don't know.
back at home last night my mum who was called up by my teacher to inform her about my unhanded in hw, started to nag about doing maths. it struck me again. for that moment i hated maths. i hated being stupid. i hated my mum not knowing how i felt. and i just lay on the floor staring out of the window not answering her. which got her really mad. and when she finally got me to do my maths, i did it like i was brain-dead. and my mum shouted at me. i swear this was the first time i never wanted to bother about maths. at all. my mum got so mad she yelled about my attitude and how i didn't wanna wake up. the thing was that, even when she yelled i didn't feel upset. i just stared blankly. i had zero, absolutely no inspiration, no motivation, no mood to touch and look at my amaths text. so my mum just thought i was proud and lazy. that was the whole thing last night. i just lay in bed and teared till 1 before my splitting headache came around and i fell into light sleep.
i didn't feel like going to church today either. i just feel so depressed.
